Blithering

As of 1/21/00
 

Dreams and Love/History

(warning, as usual, Punches will not be pulled, and perhaps names will not be changed)

Have you ever had a dream so real, so vivid, that your whole world seemed to crumble when you woke up, and realized that no, it wasn't? The person you just made love to, or who returned, fulfilling your life, was not there?

I have. About four times (Unless there are those I can not remember, which is far to possible).  The first two, were about an ex-boyfriend. When I was still married to my ex, I dreamed of Shiloh. He was, it seemed, someone who really understood, and knew me. Of course, we were in high school, and I was younger than sin. I didn't know soul mate from yesterday's sausage. But I did know feelings. I woke up twice after I was married, looked at my husband, and cried. Not because there was anything wrong with Greg, but because Shiloh hadn't been real then. In my dreams, he was still 15, no older. And he was there. When I woke up, I was older, and he was more than gone. He was histories history.

A few years later, I fell head over heels in love with a friend on-line (yes, this means I believe one can love someone they've never seen. Deal.) I'd loved him for, oh, a year, before I ever told him. Instead, we were the best of friends. We talked about anything, and late into the night.

The first time this friend and I realized we had a connection (as friends mind you) it was in character in the #Silverbladeinn (now mostly defunct FFRP room on the Undernet for MIRC). I was Morganne and he was a knight of one realm or another. We toasted with cyber wine, and agreed that we would always be able to talk about anything. We've kept that, mostly. There have been a few moments here and there, but for the most part, it's the truth.

I loved him, more than I've ever loved anyone, which sounds twisted and wrong, but there you go. I still do, and every so often, I cry about it (no tears, please). Late last year (as in, 2000) I had a dream about him. It was real, and we were together, as least at the beginning. It started out with us, and then it ended with me trying to find him for the rest of the dream. I'm nearly positive that's a "metaphor for our entire relationship" (Kevin Smith is a god, but that's an entirely 'nother rant). It's been established that although there is a kind of love there, it will never go much farther, as time and "lifestyle" (his words), and distance will not permit.

Speaking of lifestyle, anyone who had read my previous rants knows I am polyamorous. That is my lifestyle, and it is me. It won't change anytime soon (I'm sorry, monogamy makes NO sense to me. If it makes sense to you, keep it :) Of late, I've had a bit of a crush on a friend. Met him almost two years ago, in passing, and have in the last few month gotten to know him a bit better. He's tall, he's cute (he's married, but he's poly, there's always a chance, *grin*). I dreamed of him, last night. It was a very comfortable dream, of being together, loving, etc. And when I woke up, the feeling of loss was so strong. And, from experience (and perhaps some superstition, I have to admit) I've found that the opposite of my dreams seems to be reality.  So I started this day believing that it will never go anywhere. And this may still be true.  Doesn't mean much more than a crush right now, but future echos? Who knows?

I think, one thing I am finding though, is that it is nice to have friends. And to roll with everything that comes. And, to listen to Gaia Consort more often. In a song, Chris sings about celebrating love, every manifestation and form. I think this is good advice. And, I think this includes love unrequited. Someone on the Sea-Poly list once said (and my apologies, I can not remember who), that another person did not have to return the love, just take it as the gift that it is. As with all gifts, there is nothing that says one should be given in return. If that were the case, then it's not a gift, it's a requirement.  And love should never be that. I still love everyone I've said "I Love You" too, at least in one form or another. And I think I always will. It's a gift. One you really can't exchange, and one I can't take back. And finally, after many years, I think I've realized...that I don't want to. To those who've been given it, my love is yours to keep, or release. But do as you will, I love you.

End Rant